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Old 05-19-2020, 06:02 AM   #1
TiltonBB
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Default To Lighten the Moment......

Turns out my top 3 hobbies are: eating at restaurants, going to nonessential businesses, touching my face.

People keep asking “is coronavirus really that serious?” Listen up! Casinos and churches are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing, it’s probably pretty serious!

Cops these days will be like…come out with your hands washed!

I’m as bored as an Amish electrician.

And just like that…having a mask, rubber gloves, duct tape, plastic sheeting and rope in your trunk is OK.

50 million children being home schooled by gun owning parents and not one single school mass shooting. Arming teachers works!!!

I can’t believe I can walk into a store to buy weed, but I have to meet my hairdresser in a dark alley with unmarked bills to get a haircut!

Have to say that the Class of 2020 outdid themselves with Senior Skip Day this year!

With so many sporting events cancelled, they’re having to televise the World Origami Championship…It’s on Paperview.

Sitting at the bar in the kitchen at night. Tried to pick up my wife. She gave me a fake phone number. WTH…

It’s been a blessing being home with the wife for three weeks now. We’ve caught up on everything I’ve done wrong for fifteen years.

Have you noticed that since beauty salons are closed, selfies are down 68%?
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Old 05-19-2020, 08:40 AM   #2
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Default Well done

Well done, TiltonBB. I have seen most of these on FB, but when they get gathered into one place and get read over morning coffee, well, it's a good way to start the day.

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Old 05-19-2020, 09:06 PM   #3
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Default Possibilities

Could happen!
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Old 05-20-2020, 03:58 PM   #4
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Default Numbers

Been practicing the wine part. It's hard to practice an orgy when you can't have more than 10 people.
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Old 05-20-2020, 08:50 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Descant View Post
Been practicing the wine part. It's hard to practice an orgy when you can't have more than 10 people.
That is especially true if the 10 people are family! I suppose if you were in Alabama.......................
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Old 05-20-2020, 10:22 PM   #6
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That is especially true if the 10 people are family! I suppose if you were in Alabama.......................
OK Ok. I spent some time in Pensacola. I wouldn't want to give the girls from Mobile a bad word. The ones from Huntsville ("Rocket City") were sometimes a little strange. Maybe something in the water?
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Old 05-21-2020, 09:01 AM   #7
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Could happen!
What happens at the END of the chinese virus...Peggy Lee knows

https://youtu.be/LCRZZC-DH7M
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Old 05-21-2020, 09:35 AM   #8
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Haven’t heard her sing that song in years, thanks! And so true.


Sent from my iPad using Winnipesaukee Forum mobile app
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Old 05-21-2020, 10:22 AM   #9
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Old 05-22-2020, 01:59 AM   #10
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The inevitable mild paranoia caused by my fear of contracting the virus is not helping to curb my misanthropic tendencies.

I see someone getting to close now I want to punch them.
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Old 05-23-2020, 04:00 PM   #11
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Default Amish Electricians

Amish are accepting of solar and wind power electricity in many of their communities as it is not connected to the non-Amish world. The Amish Electricians do exist!
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Old 05-24-2020, 06:54 AM   #12
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Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.
As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
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Old 05-24-2020, 03:19 PM   #13
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I was on a flight to Dallas. "This is your captain speaking. I'm working from home today."
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Old 05-25-2020, 09:53 AM   #14
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A couple of years ago on a Jet Blue flight from Boston to Ft Myers the Captain said: "Many of you Boston people may have noticed that this aircraft has a New York Yankees logo on the side. We hope you are not offended. We were going to take the airplane with the NE Patriot's logo on it but it did not have enough air in the tires."
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Old 06-30-2020, 08:28 PM   #15
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Post Denny's...

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Old 06-30-2020, 08:59 PM   #16
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Old 07-01-2020, 11:07 AM   #17
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Old 07-25-2020, 08:34 PM   #18
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Red face

Dogs think we quit our jobs to spend more time with them.

Cats think we have been fired, thus proving that we are the total losers they always thought we were.
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Old 08-19-2020, 10:59 PM   #19
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Exclamation We Were Warned...

A spooky seventeen years ago, on TV:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c_Xj...ature=youtu.be

Trailer, and short...

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Old 07-22-2021, 04:57 AM   #20
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I got the Moderna back in January and Feb.
Other than one sluggish headachey day after the second dose, and setting off the theft alarm at WalMart the first couple weeks, I have experienced no problems.
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Old 07-22-2021, 06:51 AM   #21
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Default Roaring Twenties on their way???

After the 1918 Spanish flu came "The Roaring Twenties"...

Now 100 years into the future, we're back in the 20's. What will replace The Flapper Girls? I need to prepare...

Flappers were a generation of young Western women in the 1920s who wore short skirts, bobbed their hair, listened to jazz, and flaunted their disdain for what was then considered acceptable behavior. Flappers were seen as brash for wearing excessive makeup, drinking alcohol, smoking cigarettes in public, driving automobiles, treating sex in a casual manner, and otherwise flouting social and sexual norms.
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Old 07-22-2021, 08:25 AM   #22
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....Sounds like Lady Gaga....
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Old 07-22-2021, 09:16 AM   #23
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Default Flappers

A recent TV show about ten modern inventions included the zipper. Among other things, zippers were used on rubber galoshes. Around this time, young women were entering the city work force and wore these boots to work, but didn't bother to zip them all the way, so they flapped when they walked.
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Old 07-22-2021, 03:13 PM   #24
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Not what I heard on History Channel.
The women wore (relatively) loose clothing out at night-time gatherings, dances and speak-easys. The way the clothing "flapped" provided the name/description.
So... Charleston, anybody?
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Old 07-22-2021, 03:36 PM   #25
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I saw some flappers motorcycle week and I don't care to see them again until next year.
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Old 07-22-2021, 04:11 PM   #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JEEPONLY View Post
Not what I heard on History Channel.
The women wore (relatively) loose clothing out at night-time gatherings, dances and speak-easys. The way the clothing "flapped" provided the name/description.
So... Charleston, anybody?
Yup. Same network, different script writer.
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Old 07-24-2021, 02:31 PM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by garysanfran
What will replace The Flapper Girls? I need to prepare...
I would certainly welcome the return of the mini-skirt.
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Old Yesterday, 06:47 AM   #28
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Default Good old southern humor

Good old southern humor …

Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied .
"You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!”

Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
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