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Redneck Home Seller Tips Part Deux

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Posted 04-25-2012 at 08:57 AM by Roy Sanborn

I have received a number of calls and letters requesting more tips for Rednecks that are selling their homes. It seems there are more Rednecks in the Lakes Region of NH that need help than I thought. In the future when u rite me, please try and rite ledgitable and dont print sew small.

Anyway, here goes. You might be a Redneck Home Seller if you have chickens running loose around your yard. Please put them in the chicken coup prior to showing your property. Chickens can distract buyers from seeing the many finer points of your home. This also goes for pit bulls, alpacas, cats, and small children. Also, please take note. Despite your interpretation of the zoning regulations, livestock are not allowed in all zoning districts. Remember, where chickens are outlawed, only outlaws will have chickens.

If Billy the Big Mouth Bass, the talking fish, is the focal point of your living room, you definitely are a Redneck and you will need help to sell your home. Please consult with a qualified home staging expert to arrange your home to maximize its appeal for the discerning home buyer. He or she will find a place to put Billy, your Dale Earnhardt Senior paint by number portrait, and your NASCAR die cast racecar collection. It will be someplace that will really enhance your home. That place will most likely be where the sun don’t shine. No…. I know what you were thinking, but I meant the closet in your guest bedroom.

When your real estate agent tells you that your home is not approved by Fannie Mae, please stop arguing with him. He is not trying to pick a fight and he surely is not referring to your second cousin that married your third cousin on your mother’s side. I know she thinks your home is just wonderful, but your agent has never set eyes on her. What he is referring to is the Federal National Mortgage Association whose function is to finance the otherwise un-financeable and to line various politicians’ pockets. At this writing, no one is sure which is more important. I think they are having some kind of hearings on that down in D.C.

If you have some of those colorful signs on your property that say something like “This Property Protected by Smith and Wesson” or “My dog can make it to the gate in 2 seconds, can you?” you are definitely a Redneck Home Seller. It would be prudent to remove them while you are trying to sell your home. Some people could erroneously think that (a) you are not a very friendly sort of guy or (b) this might not be a safe neighborhood. It does seem that most people that have seen you are kind of intimidated though. I guess that is probably why the neighborhood is so safe. That and the fact that you shoot tin cans off the fence from the back porch. Anyway, I know they are cool signs, but please remove them.

Finally, you should remove any Redneck lawn ornaments such as tractors, farm implements, and other rusty iron from your front (or back) lawn. The venerable and appropriately placed horse drawn hay rake or plow is probably the only exception to the rule. All bathroom fixtures should be inside your house. Toilets turned into planters are not “in” and should also be removed along with those two romantic claw foot tubs you have side by side on your yet to be completed back deck. Despite the success of the Cialis commercials they won’t help you sell your house. You might say you have already made it hard enough…

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